What do women of substance feel about Holi?

Once upon a time, oldfox004 was on a secret mission but as usual she forgot her way and ended up meeting prominent women and also got a chance to interview them on their feelings for Holi. So here goes...


Rakhi Sawant - Oh Jessus! i loves the Holi, the rangs, the water, the innocent masti...this Holi tho i love to color my bhaiyya Mikka...he's so sweet na *does the kuchi-kuchi action


Veena Mallik - Holi? What Holi? Filhaal tho all the mulla's are labelling me 'unholi'. But, i love Ash in a very 'holi' way, kasam se! *sends a flying kiss


Shweta Thiwari - Arre yaar! I gotta wear a burqa this holi :( If Raja sees me all red and wet...??? I don't like all this skinshow and all...what will my daughter say?  But, its all OK on TV, no? *kisses her daughter


Payal Rohatgi - I hate Monica, she is so fake yaar! Rahul is like my brother only. I don't like to play Holi...all that gulaal will spoil my skin na...tho phir kya dikhaungi main? I bet Monica is playing secret holi with him...$^%^&*$ *smirks


Dolly Bhindra - HOLI...HOLI....HOLI...HOLI....$%#&*%^$....HOLI KI THO....%$^(*^&*#$...nobody plays Holi with me :( *makes a horrendously scary face...i disappear in seconds


Yana Gupta - But, you know i love color....and especially colorful undies....shocking pink, neon yellow, electric blue...wow! What ? You asking me about Holi? Oh! I'm so forgetful na...I even forget to wear my colorful undy sometimes..*winks


Ekta Kapoor - Holi? Did you just say Holi? Can you see the big tikha on my forehead? I celebrate Holi with all my staff all year round...we use real blood, sacchi! *poker faced


Sonia Gandhi - Hamara Bharath mahaan desh hain...yahan Diwali, Christmas, Eid ithyadi sabhi thyohaar manaya jaatha hain...Hum sabko 'Haath' milakar rang lagana chahiye. 'Haath' ne sab ka 'Man-moh' liya hain. Bharath Mata ki Jai! Happy Holi! *waves her hand high in the air to no one in particular


Jyothi (Common girl) - Holi is nice holi-day for me. I'll do a nice oil champi and put some multani mitthi on my face. Mum will make yummy puran poli's. I'll take to office tomorrow:) *shakes delightfully


Rani (Street girl) - Hamare liye tho roj Holi hain madam..kabhie yeh mard log idhar color lagathe tho kabhie udhar...bole tho ..koi ijjath hi nahi madam...upar se complain karo tho police log bhi...#$^$%^%$ saala! *deadpan


Disclaimer: All names have been changed in order to protect their 'Real' identities. Please don't be alarmed if you find any resemblance to anybody whom you have happened to hear about even remotely. Happy Holi, guys!

The Irony!

“woh jannat ki khoj mein nikla hain…
uske liye Mecca bhi door nahi,
apni begum ki izzath se beparvaah
nikla hain tere khoj mein eh Allah !…"

Thus concluded the fakir amidst much applause.

‘Wah wah wah!”, praised the old Sheikh in delight and quickly got up, shoving his new virgin bride all of 12.


P.S: Please forgive the hindi-urdu mix-up if any. Also, here's the translation for Karthik, Kanagu n Lance:
"He has left in search of heaven...
Even Mecca is not far for him,
He doesn’t care to respect his wife
He has left in search of u, O Allah!.."

Beauty and the life rainbow...

And just when I had begun enjoying the concept of life akin to chasing a rainbow and actually riding on it, along comes my old friend and blows it up! Remember my parlor wala fiasco and that girl who after much pleading and lauding finally relented to do the mowing ? I had sworn never to go there even at the risk of frightening the kids and adults alike in the family and elsewhere. But time and eyebrows wait for no man err..woman. Their collective desires conspired with the universe to literally push me there.

It so happened that I had reached this other parlor just a moment before they shut-shop for the day, even though I had ventured out early but its just that my day starts in the evening and boy! what a day..There were no parlors in my line of sight and the ones which 'seemingly' looked like parlors and catered to both men and women didnt seem worth it. Also, as I'm the chosen one and carry the thunder cloud right above me, it would so happen that there would be a raid the very moment I set foot to ask if this is 'indeed' a place where they 'cut and trim' hair or thread eyebrows. I could already sense the triumphant joys on the cops faces for catching me young at this Godforsaken place and teaching me a lesson. The probability is that this may happen like once in a million times when the cops were not 'catered to', but I'm sure it was waiting to happen as soon as I would set foot, rather it would be favorable only when I set foot. Period.

But I am not as stupid as I seem to look. So, I did not set foot in the 'all-in-one' parlor ! That left me again at sea, where do I go for a decent threading job? The usual parlor seemed quite decent and hey..what the heck..she isn't the only girl there. If she is hell bent on making me feel like a disgrace to feminine beauty, I would replace her with the other efficient (read humane) girls. So, I go in there but alas they too were getting ready to shut-shop. And if Truth be told, who the hell am I kidding...I'm no celebrity. Let that be my self-promotion tactic for blogsville. The owner told me to come back tomorrow within the stipulated time. Ohh Well..yes madam! Needless to say that 'the girl' was super delighted to see the disappointment writ large across my face which was now resembling the debutant Karishma Kapoor with her squirrel-tailed eyebrows! I did not see the looks on the other girls though.

I walk out with my face down and the life rainbow somehow had transformed into a grayscale image. I was too ashamed to walk back home and scare the kids yet again. So I take this long walk on the highway, reminiscing on the parlor wali girl's inhuman gesture and how all the parlors conspired to boycott me. It's not as if I were walking around with a walrus moustache or a goatee, but I almost felt like I was!

I was nearly half way up the highway when a girl caught up with me and asked me whether I had come to the parlor some time back. She was very beautiful, the kinds a guy would take home to his parents. I faintly recognised her since she wasn't in her uniform. I said yes. She asked me what exactly I had come for. I replied. She eyed my eyebrows sympathetically and told me to visit the parlor tomorrow without any further delay. As an urgent emergency procedure, she even offered to come home with me and operate upon me! I declined her 'over humane' gesture but inside I was very happy that a beautiful parlor-wali girl cared for me. I laughed at the walrus moustache and the goatee I had been wearing on my mind sometime back. Hmmm...and the life rainbow burst with colors once again!


P.S: I so love these beauty parlor-wali girls:)

When Ms. Junglee barged into the beauty parlor...

It was quite a dull day yesterday, though the spring has just sprung fresh warmth everywhere. Sadly, she couldn’t feel a thing. It was all hazy with some kind of fog wherever her eyes moved. On a day like this, a flavored tea would be quite potent to shoo away the fog. Alas! The haze was still there…

Life was calling but where was she? She, the favorite, she the damned soul, she the inspiration behind every murphy’s law, she the Frankensteinne! She glances at the mirror, just a second lesser than one can begin to say ‘F-R-A’, before the reflection gets misty. And what does she notice…a jungle complete with flora and fauna right above her eyes!

She zooms across to the nearest beauty parlor in sight and with God’s grace, they let her in.

Now what happened is the real ‘horror’ part of this post. She became ‘The lady in question’. They glared at her in utter disappointment with a look which seemed to say ‘ how-the-f**k-do-you-think-we-can-help-you’. If she could bury her head, she would do that right away!

Whoever said that eyebrows need to be threaded and not mowed down could well…just be proved wrong! After a hell lot of begging, the parlor wali girl relented and proceeded with her gardening tools err beauty tools. She gave her a decent brushing down too and I mean that literally.

Spring is all blooming now in bright colors and the haze has vanished. She now looks at the mirror till as long as one can say ‘Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the brightest of them all?’

P.S: And need I even state the obvious – I so hate these beauty parlor- wali girls:)

The Age of Innocence

jasmines adorned her soot hued hair

some dad’s little princess, wasn’t she?

a sari the pride of a cherry draped

carefree in cheap gold embroidery

faux gems serve to fill the void

a void ciphering into another

some mum’s dream come true alas

cat calls welcome her as she dares

to roam amongst the fortunate us

she is the queen of the streets

her strides, magnificent and bold

enchanting, enamoring, enticing

despite the weather so cold

‘if he were here, o if only he were here,

i would seldom walk one step more’

her thirst for love, an unfulfilled desire

her clothes are often torn apart

many a man has left his stench

but not one dares to steal her heart

‘won’t mum teach me to sew?

wont she come to purify –

the scents of sins stacked within?’

her eyes moisten reminiscing

the ghosts of an era bygone

yet she seeks a path; a fresh, raw path –

unexplored, holding promises galore

wiping her tears, she seeks to return;

a return to the Age of Innocence

‘dad, mum, where are you?

the hide n seek is past due

i wish no more to breathe

this stench of other’s sins

i want to smell the warmth

of the purest form of love

so, take me in your arms

as I end this wretched bond’,

so saying she ends her beat

**********

Wanted: A Knight in matte cotton shirt!

Well, I’m no more a teenager with stars in my eyes and I’m ages away from being referred to as an adult female homo sapien. Now imagine me singing that Britney number – I’m not a girl…not yet a woman, but please, without her curves for Christ’s sake, mine are better! I am single now by choice but in love with my teddy who reciprocates unconditionally. So, one may safely presume that I’m stuck somewhere in a time warp! I also suck at every day relationships right from the traffic policeman, the building dog and her newborn litter, the crows nesting outside my kitchen window right up till the society watchman and the Sai baba temple pujari besides. Nobody seems to acknowledge my presence. I am the living dead or the dead living! And, my mum thinks only a man can save me now by way of marriage to me, Poor man!

So, is marriage the ‘be all and end all’ to a girl’s identity? Well, maybe! Every goddamn form wants to know your father and/or husband’s name. But, I’m in no hurry, I like it when the dogs stay away from me and I don’t find crows any cuter; what to say about the other ‘assorted’ folks, I come across every day if relatives are not enough punishment already! This is what I gather from their eyes, nose, ears et al except their tongue - Oh, She is waiting for Mr. Right! She is expecting Pierce now, and I mean like ‘N-O-W’! She thinks she is the diva queen- all this with giggles and muffled jokes doubting my sexual preferences. So, I take this opportunity to all and sundry – I am straight, very much straight, and as straight as a line joining two imaginary points anywhere and as straight as a light ray. I am not waiting for Mr. Right; he is as common a sight as an UFO (unidentified flying object). Well, I am no diva queen or any other queen either; I am just a girl at heart with dreams of an enchanting home somewhere bubbling with my kids and my partner for life.

So, all I want is one common man – any man with loads of common sense and can see through the obvious. Most definitely loaded with fresh jokes on him at all times. He should preferably be dressed up in matte cotton shirts only, I don’t fancy ‘shining armour’ anymore; you see I’m not into fairy tales and ‘happily ever after….’ fantasies. Apart from the usual attributes of TDH (tall-dark-handsome), absolutely great sense of responsibility, great conversationalist, great listener, great lover, best friend, the better cook, the hygienically-inclined, the ability to withstand female nagging, the supreme strength to change diapers every hour and that too cheerfully, genuine love for my folks – especially my mum, etc. etc., I want only an extra bit thrown for good measure to be referred to as my Mr. Right and that would be - ‘He should simply love me for no rhyme or reason’. I abhor terms and conditions in love and will go to any length to break all of them intentionally. Now, is this asking for too much?

Maybe, yes! Apart from the cotton shirt, how can one man alone be gifted so? So, nowadays I have started thinking on these lines – my preferences and the ultimate choice or the world’s preferences and a so called compromise! And I have come to this - I’m pretty soon going to forget the very essence of marriage if all these attributes are not present in a single man. Isn’t it exciting to be single and mingle with all the separate aforementioned men? Or, I will just place a finger on any of the profiles placed in front of me and make my mum and the other ‘interested parties’ happy?

What every woman must know…

OK! I’m no expert nor am I doing any research on what women must know, have or do to be happy. This is just my collective experience as a human and especially as a woman to be happy in these stressful and fast times. And of course, it is not only for women readers, men too can take a cue to understand women better and hopefully keep their wives, mothers, sisters and above all girlfriends happy! Firstly, we are also Homo sapiens just like men and not any lesser in any way other than a few curves here and there and the obvious absence of excessive body hair. We cry when we are happy too - we are wired that way. We give birth to men and nourish them with our blood and that too joyfully. Just for that, we need respect and a sense of awareness of who we really are. Sadly, men don’t want to accept our strength and so deem that we are from ‘Venus’!

Here are a few things I can recollect and I’m sure you guys have more.

1) A Smile – Every woman needs to keep a smile in her heart always which will reflect on her face. The smile makes us feel good about ourselves and enhances our appeal. It is not easy to keep smiling in our hearts if our hearts are injured so the next tips are about how to have a ‘happy’ heart!

2) Forgiveness – Again, this is the first thing we need to know - our hearts should be filled with only love and not hatred. A ‘love-filled’ heart is a ‘happy’ heart! Forgive men for they know not what they do – should be our motto!

3) A girlfriend – A close friend from ‘Venus’ is the sure shot way to a healthy heart. She should be ready to meet you even in her pajamas and oil champi, if need be. Both of you can serve each other better than empty walls and beds.

4) A friend from ‘Mars’! – A close male friend with whom we are not romantically involved is a wonderful experience. We not only understand ourselves better but also our ‘male’ partners better too. No more ending up with fights related to conversations about our dream vacation while our partners would be dreaming about watching the FIFA cup live! That’s just how they are wired –So we refer to them as ‘Martians’!

5) Shopping – Whoever coined the term ‘Retail therapy’ must be The Goddess herself! Shopping helps us heal anytime and especially after a break-up. Anyways, most of us lose so much weight in grieving that we need a whole new wardrobe!

6) A cute teddy bear – This one I need not explain, one must experience a close friend in a teddy – he never abandons you, loves you just the way you are – un-waxed, un-threaded, a little moustache, a little stubble whatever – you are always his princess!

7) A bar of chocolate – Need any explanation here? Its not ‘diamonds’ but ‘chocolates’ that are a woman’s best friend. Every woman should carry a bar of chocolate on her at all times and especially during that time of the month.

8) Surprise gifts – Every woman should gift sweet surprises just like that - like a warm hug, a charm, a trinket, a junk ear ring, a musical box, a little singing birdie, a gift coupon, a fresh perfume, the latest lip gloss, whatever…it may not be expensive but it should be thoughtful. What goes around comes around, so ladies, be ready to receive all this in much more abundance!

9) A good book – Every woman needs to curl up with a good book. Knowledge is the only way towards empowerment and happiness. Do collect and keep a small shelf beside your dressing table and make sure that you share them with your women friends. Have at least one book of poems or quotes and one book by a woman author – they write really well!

10) A healthy bank balance – This is an area we are scared to tread but trust me we need to be financially independent no matter who we are – who’s daughter, who’s wife, who’s sister – everything is about our sense of achievement by what we earn. It really brings in a whole sense of being and gives us our freedom of self-expression like nothing else does.

11) An interesting wardrobe- Have a nice set of clothes, jewelry, cosmetics, shoes and bags all bought with the help of that close girlfriend. Accept her opinion if something you love looks horrible on you in her eyes.

12) A ‘No’ – The power to say a ‘no’ when you mean a ‘no’ is the first sign of empowerment. Do not do anything if you are not comfortable with it. Learn to say a ‘no’ even if it hurts somebody’s sentiments. We cannot please everybody. We are not super-beings.

13) Forget numbers – Yes, every woman should forget stupid numbers like her age, weight, hairfall rate, etc. These have nothing to do with a ‘happy’ heart rather if she worries with these numbers, she will only end up with high blood pressure! I gave up on my weight gain program:)

14) A little exercise regime – Every women needs to spend some time on her muscles, bones, blood circulation, etc. Even walking for half an hour adds oodles of happiness to your heart. So, ladies, go take a walk!

15) Eat whenever your hungry – This is the best thing towards a happy tummy and thus a happy heart. Trust me, our body needs food only when we are hungry or rather we feel hungry since our body needs food. Everything else like diet etc. is all humbug – bakwas…so go on attack and eat whatever!

I.P.S. (Interesting post script) : I could go on and on but these are and will be the most important ones I have experienced. Sorry about the long post but I almost feel like it’s ‘Woman’s Day’ today!! Don’t forget to share your ‘happy’ heart tips too!
Have a ‘Happy’ heart guys!

One simple man!

Women are simple, simple lives and even simpler needs. Period.

What do we ask for in a man? Nothing much, just that he is a good man with a little bit extra thrown in for good measure.
And, when I say ‘a little bit’, I mean just that ..a little bit

Is this asking for too much?

Please overhear the following tapped conversation between a simple woman and her man in an ‘ideal’ world…

Simple woman (SW): hullo, sweets, I’m missing you so much!
Man (M): oh honey…I miss you too, lets catch up for dinner tonight?
SW: yeah sure… ‘m dying to see you
M: great honey, now you get ready while I come to pick you up at lets say 8?
SW: hey sweets..that’s perfect! Its 10 to 8 and I’ll be ready in a jiffy!
M: right, I’ll be at your door sooner than that…miss you honey..byebye
SW: byebye and the door’s open!

And now, overhear the same tapped conversation between the simple woman and her man in our world (a world where women are misconstrued as cryptic crosswords and god alone knows who started this baseless rumour) …

SW: hullo, sweets, I’m missing you so much!
M: WOW… any plans, honey? (mono-thought process)
SW: long time… let’s meet up… ‘m dying to see you
M: yeah sure… me too dying to see you, honey (tonight’s the night! yey)
SW: Can you come to my place at lets say 8?
M: sure, honey! Anytime for you (WOW..ain’t I lucky?)
SW: byebye sweets, catch you soon
M: byebye honey (yeah yeah..catch you alright!)

At sharp 8 pm, the door bell rings…

SW: hey sweets, is that you?
M: yes, my highness…just open the door and I promise to serve you for the rest of the night errr sorry… rest of my life
SW: tonight’s the special occasion..i need to get ready, dear… just 5 mins, ok? The steps beside the gate are quite soft and cosy sometimes.
M: no probs, honey…you take your time… I can wait forever (deeply pondering what’s the special occasion !)

After 20 simple minutes have passed by…

M: honey, these roses are losing colour… (sounding pale as the mosquitoes had a bloody treat out of him!)
SW: jus’ a minute…I wont be long, sweets…this occasion is so very special, dear
M: yeah, that’s so true honey (worried about the occasion ..forgets all about his plans… shaking his brains… her birthday? No; our first date? No, It never happened as yet; our first kiss? No way…that’s pending…I remember that…ooops, no luck)

Another 30 simple minutes later…

He is all white with severe red bumps all over… all excitement of the night has vanished… he just longs to drown in the champagne he’s bought and sleep off forever….

She opens the door, looking all pretty and pink what with her ‘newly bought for the special occasion’ pink and gold bordered organza saree.

SW: hey sweets, what happened to you?
M: you look so beautiful, honey (barely opening his eyes)
SW: thank you dear… you know tonight’s our ‘special occasion’… I’m so excited!
M: yeah, me too, honey (what’s the occasion and why the hell is she dressed up like a Christmas tree?)
SW: remember sweets, you dropped me here at these very steps (now opening the champagne bottle with the simple intention of celebration)
M: yeah, I do honey (rattling his brains even harder now…when did I drop her and how does it become a special occasion?)
SW: remember how drunk we were, fresh from Adi’s party? You literally dropped down here…I fell in love with you all over again, sweets! (pouring the champagne and serving him)
M: yeah, that was so special, honey! (toasting the champagne and sipping it slowly to bring in some signs of normal life, still wondering what was special!)

So, that was it. The simple woman and her man celebrate their first important occasion together at the steps of her home. It was exactly a week ago, when he had dropped her home from a friend’s party and she fell in love with him and decided to keep him as her ‘warrior prince’ forever. Thee, dropped me safely home, surely wouldn’t thee stake thy life for me?

And I wonder why they say that rocket science is easier?