My weight-gain program!

OK, I am 6 kgs lesser than the ideal weight required as per body mass index and I too won’t tell you what my current weight or height is. Numbers are just that…senseless finite measures in an otherwise incomprehensible infinite universe! Though you may take a guess…even a moronic actor like Tusshar Kapoor can carry me but if he dares to do so, I swear I would claw him to pulp with my 1-inch nails! I am slim and daring but only not the healthy weight.

Now, coming to the weight-gain program designed by me, my action points are simple and derived from logic: Do the opposite of everything that is prohibited in all weight loss programs. So I checked Dr. Nigam’s, VLCC, Pretty slim clinic and a few others with quite impressive punchlines ‘Lose 8 kgs in 45 days or your money back’!! All they talk about is proper controlled diet and hell loads of exercises. So, it’s got to be the ‘eat and eat till you drop to sleep’ mantra for me then! What happened later is another story…

I have been gulping just about everything ever since I became aware of being underweight to the point that I got digestion related disorders, lactose-intolerance related disorders and not to mention my extreme affinity towards ‘rich’ foods – I began having a bar of chocolate every other day! Sadly, nothing had worked to the point required and I had been able to gain only one kilogram. One kg may be significant when you are in a weight loss program but trust me its nothing in a weight-gain one! Even stretch jeans look comfort fit on me.

But, me the woman of substance err the woman of slightly-less-substance was firm in her conviction. She believed that ‘Where there is ghee, there is also loads of fat gleefully settling around her for nonstop gossip” Many beauty conscious women avoid ghee so I thought this is perfect for me. I started dreaming about all the fat I’m about to gain, what women would say when I pass by : ‘Hey, look at her…she’s got it all man…all that plump and curves...I wonder how she got it?’ and all the south Indian movie directors making an offer to me – I would be their next plump heroine starring opposite Rajnikanth! Imagine me dancing and jingling all that adipose and becoming an instant heart throb of the south Indian men in the country that’s nearly 50 % of the Indian male population! WOW! Also, all the channels would be vying for my interview, my ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures would be shown by worried mothers to their teenage daughters who have been corrupted by Kareena and her senseless size zero; the plump me would be the new youth icon (female)!

Ghee it was that finally worked, but only a few grams. Stretch jeans still look comfort fit. I do sleep more with all that ghee but my constantly active brain like a cloud of mosquitoes buzzing over you on a night safari breaks down all that adipose into God knows what…I still can’t find much fat! I still look like ‘Laurel’ when I am with real ‘Hardy’s’.

Then it dawned on me. What my mom really wanted to say all these months and what she ended up actually telling me!! She always referred to my married friends, relatives, and neighbors and never failed to make a special mention of their post-marriage physique which was the ideal one. This means the only way for me to gain was to get married. Now, how can I even think of ‘doing it as a weight-gain exercise’ without getting married? Sounds exciting but hell, no..can’t indulge in it, I am better off looking like Olive Oyl…surely there’s a Popeye waiting for me somewhere…sometime! Ok Dreamland again!! Maybe, Pierce Brosnan, that hot Bond – his wife is really huge now:) The World is Not Enough!! Tomorrow Never Dies!!!

Dreamland zindabad...