Jan 21, 2009

My weight-gain program!

OK, I am 6 kgs lesser than the ideal weight required as per body mass index and I too won’t tell you what my current weight or height is. Numbers are just that…senseless finite measures in an otherwise incomprehensible infinite universe! Though you may take a guess…even a moronic actor like Tusshar Kapoor can carry me but if he dares to do so, I swear I would claw him to pulp with my 1-inch nails! I am slim and daring but only not the healthy weight.

Now, coming to the weight-gain program designed by me, my action points are simple and derived from logic: Do the opposite of everything that is prohibited in all weight loss programs. So I checked Dr. Nigam’s, VLCC, Pretty slim clinic and a few others with quite impressive punchlines ‘Lose 8 kgs in 45 days or your money back’!! All they talk about is proper controlled diet and hell loads of exercises. So, it’s got to be the ‘eat and eat till you drop to sleep’ mantra for me then! What happened later is another story…

I have been gulping just about everything ever since I became aware of being underweight to the point that I got digestion related disorders, lactose-intolerance related disorders and not to mention my extreme affinity towards ‘rich’ foods – I began having a bar of chocolate every other day! Sadly, nothing had worked to the point required and I had been able to gain only one kilogram. One kg may be significant when you are in a weight loss program but trust me its nothing in a weight-gain one! Even stretch jeans look comfort fit on me.

But, me the woman of substance err the woman of slightly-less-substance was firm in her conviction. She believed that ‘Where there is ghee, there is also loads of fat gleefully settling around her for nonstop gossip” Many beauty conscious women avoid ghee so I thought this is perfect for me. I started dreaming about all the fat I’m about to gain, what women would say when I pass by : ‘Hey, look at her…she’s got it all man…all that plump and curves...I wonder how she got it?’ and all the south Indian movie directors making an offer to me – I would be their next plump heroine starring opposite Rajnikanth! Imagine me dancing and jingling all that adipose and becoming an instant heart throb of the south Indian men in the country that’s nearly 50 % of the Indian male population! WOW! Also, all the channels would be vying for my interview, my ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures would be shown by worried mothers to their teenage daughters who have been corrupted by Kareena and her senseless size zero; the plump me would be the new youth icon (female)!


Ghee it was that finally worked, but only a few grams. Stretch jeans still look comfort fit. I do sleep more with all that ghee but my constantly active brain like a cloud of mosquitoes buzzing over you on a night safari breaks down all that adipose into God knows what…I still can’t find much fat! I still look like ‘Laurel’ when I am with real ‘Hardy’s’.

Then it dawned on me. What my mom really wanted to say all these months and what she ended up actually telling me!! She always referred to my married friends, relatives, and neighbors and never failed to make a special mention of their post-marriage physique which was the ideal one. This means the only way for me to gain was to get married. Now, how can I even think of ‘doing it as a weight-gain exercise’ without getting married? Sounds exciting but hell, no..can’t indulge in it, I am better off looking like Olive Oyl…surely there’s a Popeye waiting for me somewhere…sometime! Ok Dreamland again!! Maybe, Pierce Brosnan, that hot Bond – his wife is really huge now:) The World is Not Enough!! Tomorrow Never Dies!!!
Dreamland zindabad...

23 comments:

Chriz said...

hey i am in your same league... try kiran sawhaney's tips on putting on weight.. it sure helps...

Scattered Thoughts... said...

ha ha.. nice post.. good read after a long time :))) good to see a human being in the photos instead of a comic err.. animation character in your posts.. :)

karmanna said...

:)
welcome soon to the family of 'rich' looking people ...

marriage : dreamland Popeye's are better.

Simply Sur said...

Yeah Dreamland is always better!
Well, I cud have an option.. Read it sumwhere that if u exercise for two months and stop it suddenly, then u'll surely put on!
Can try this if u are damn too serious to star opp rajnikant!!! :P

Vinnie said...

Chriz, thanks, will do..have to or 'have to get married' !!!

ST, thank u thank u...actually the comic series started with the popular cartoon model ie. U

Karmanna, hahhahahhaha...time will tell..waqth batayega!

SS, hehhehehee...u bet i'm damn serious abt Rajnikanth..i mean abt starring opp him:) seems like a great idea but not for 'lazy bones' me :)

Lancelot said...

@ Vin

huh what you have in mind??? are u ridiculing Sen's and my blog huh??? How mean??? Anyways my 2 cents for you eat loads of chips, crisps and fries...

Lancelot said...

and why you have put in a pic which resembles me (though not as handsome as me)...?

Senorita said...

@ Vinnie...Welcome to the weight-conscious club :))

Vinnie said...

Lance, who am i to do that!! i am strugling to gain since last 2 years...chips, snacks sounds like nothing in front of ghee:):)
btw, that less-handsome-than-you is Mr. Pierce Brosnan, his pic here is for my eyes alone:)

Sen, hehheehe..thanks gal:)

ki said...

Marriage is DEFINITELY = FIT>>>FAT!!!! :P

Scattered Thoughts... said...

hey..purple and red fish keeps on fighting with each other.. I told you na, its not going to work like this..

Vinnie said...

ki, hehhehehe !!!
thanks for visiting...i guess this putting up pics of hot ppl is working:)

ST, woh fight nahi kar rahe..woh dono tho mummy-papa hain green fish ki...they r small happy fish family !!!

Lancelot said...

and they lived happily ever after :P

kanaguonline said...

/*my ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures would be shown by worried mothers to their teenage daughters who have been corrupted by Kareena and her senseless size zero; the plump me would be the new youth icon (female)!*/
LOL :) I have enjoyed that complete para...
A nice post :)

Vinnie said...

Lance, isnt that the sweetest phase ever ??? :)

Kanagu, thank u thank u...i'm putting on weight in all the wrong places:):)...Kareena pics r only better!!

sawan said...

vinniee, first thoughts first: u need 6 kg?? take mine :P i am 7 kg over weight :P

sawan said...

lol, i luvd the way u ended it.. good tht ur mom din refer to ur frenz who are pregnant and others who gained weight post delivery!! things would have been tougher then :P

Scrawler said...

i belong to ur under weight club...neeed some tips to improve :-)

Chriz said...

46 kg is not underweight for sure

preeti said...

oi miss lighty , neat one there. My prob is am just getting mrf and JK tyre radials, if I exercise, I reduce o the whole and not just my tummie. anyays, lets get married soon for some fun filled exercise :))

Chriz said...

new templates and all..

Vinnie said...

Sawan saar!!
thanks but if i could, i would take Sen's :):)
post delivery...eeew!

Scrawler,
my club!! hehheee..check out the comments here, something will surely suit u, All the best dear!!

Vinnie said...

Chriz, 46 !!!
yep...festive season over for pooh..hope u liked it :)

Preeti,
fun filled exercise => heavy weight gain => boring exercise!!!
now we have to decide whether we wanna 'do' or 'skip' :)

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