Ithna sannata kyon hain bhai?

the bells have now begun to toll

the eagles above are still midair

where have all the bloggers gone,
is Twitter and Facebook, their new lair?

Now silence ain’t generally my kinda thing. Not that anybody needs to call the cops despite threats to keep me mum. But a silence of nearly a year and a half, now that IS by far a personal record! This silence (read exile) from blogosphere is like the story of the mouse that never got caught in a roomful of mousetraps and then one fine day a hungry cat spoilt the day. But I am the little mouse that never gives up, no matter how frail my chances are! With my ever piling fiscal deficit issue coupled with non-performing assets (pun intended), I guess HE has been too kind thus far.

Well, this exile has done me a world of good and most certainly raised hope for blogosphere. What with fellow bloggers and my million plus readers falling off chairs, bouncing off walls and ceilings, jumping off their roofs and threatening to file PILs at Indiblog BUT I had no such luck. Peace reigned as usual at blogosphere and my absence was appreciated. Not that I am bawling but still a little hunger strike would have been KIND, guys.

All but one – you know there’s always an egghead – egghead meaning ‘I’ll not eat till you eat’ types. Sometimes all you need is a tummy full of words, a loosening glottis and the heart melts as if it were made of candy floss and out pop the words bringing relief at last. That’s ‘blog-o-mania’ for the uninitiated. So here I am for you, you, you and the egghead of course, my kindest four! I cannot promise to be regular though – the last time I wasn’t regular, my doc suggested de-stressing!

P.S.: Thank you all for being there! Now try saying this line 10 times: ‘A cup of coffee in a proper copper coffee pot’. And yes, we could meet over coffee as soon as this damn tongue of mine gets untwisted. Cheers to 2011!!!

Will the real fat cat pls stand up?

Disclaimer: Dont read this post if you do not have any kind of personality disorder.

Will the real fat cat pls stand up?
Please stand up. Please stand up.

As u crawl thru the cables, the routers and towers
As u creep in thru the network of flyers
U burn much of ur fat-ass, n the gang’s too!
U fat old cat, clearly an imposter, aint u?
So care to stand up for who u r
Who u were n ought to be…
Will the real fat cat pls stand up?

Coz I gather, u have a life as much as I do
Go live it fatty – coz It may end soon
What? Stop staring n shut the fuck up
U r the real fat cat- go on, admit it
So will the real fat cat pls stand up?
Please stand up. Please stand up.

U’ve messed up big time, u’ve lost face, he he
U’ve only begun the realisation, oldfox, aint he?
That sly n shady, rickety old fox
N sometimes the pooh in mask
Who aint got a shot!
So care to raise ur hand at least
Tomorrow u may stand up, a lil shaky beast

Tear off those masks, burn the muti-dimensionalities
Come on, admit it, u wanna break free
Will the real fat cat pls stand up?
Please stand up. Please stand up.


P.S: Dedicated to me and my million n counting readers, who wanna break free from self-illusions and identities!

Vinphy’s Phone laws:

1. The rate of battery drain increases exponentially to the rate of urgency of an expected call.

2. Just when you’re expecting the ‘Will you be mine?’ part, the battery takes a cue and plays dead.

3. ‘Roaming’ is just that – keep roaming till you find a signal.

4. ‘Happy to help you’ is an oxymoron.

5. ‘Caller tunes’ can also be called as ‘Cooler tunes’.

6. The month you had taken a ‘maun vrath’ will always have the highest bill.

7. Phone companies have a sense of humour. How else can one explain the ‘service tax’?

8. Value added services add more value to the company’s turnover.

9. The ‘mute’ button goes deaf when you speak the Truth involuntarily.

10. A dog can follow you everywhere except for closed, confined spaces eg. Toilets, lifts

11. The price of a cellphone will begin falling only after you have bought it.

12. 'Customer Care' is short for 'Customer.. Care a Damn for you'.

Point taken!

The two of them were returning from the meeting point. The ‘interested party’ and the relatives who had arranged the meet were also on their way home. Now, that was three disjoint search parties in search of three absolutely different things in life.

The two of them were silent till they reached home. They had loads of talking going on in their respective heads.

The evening back at home was rather uneventful except for the occasional ‘He was well dressed’ and ‘His mom looks kind’ to ‘looks like a happy family’

The next day in the morning...

'Your cousin may call up anytime. We need to be prepared with our reply’

She was tensed to the core and not a nerve had any flow. How could she reject somebody whom her cousin had hunted down with so much love…besides, her mom will start breathing only after her wedding

‘Maa..he was well dressed and my would be maa-in-law looked so kind’.

'What? You are saying yes to that jerk. I absolutely see no match here. What’s going on in your head?’

‘Maa..you are the one fretting over my marriage always...besides, how can we say a ‘no’ to them!’

‘Huh! Forget your cousin, forget my fretting...you think I’ll marry you off to some jerk? For God’s sake…I am your mother!’

Vinphy’s AnyTimeMoney? Laws:

1. An ATM is a thinking machine. It has an ego so Be Kind to it.

2. On cash-strapped days, one can see the neighborhood ATM grinning from side to side.

3. The bugs in the ATM s/w get activated at the same rate of urgency with which you need cash.

4.The amount of currency inside the ATM is inversely proportional to the amount needed.

5. The newly installed standby machines are just that – stand by.

6. The first time ATM users who are learning all the functions will almost always be before you.

7. An ATM has a soul and a karma and the money in it is an illusion.

8. God doesn’t need cash. All ATM’s are in hell.

9. The queue at the ATM is directly proportional to the urgency of cash needed.

10.‘God-damn-you!’ command to an ATM means that you want to gift your card to it.


P.S: These are my 'real life' experiences/ lessons. Please abide by them seriously.

Food for thought

After she had put down the receiver…

‘That was P, right?’

‘Yes’

‘Why don’t you let him speak? You were doing all the talking’.

‘That’s how P is!’

‘Oh yeah! So many years and you tell me he prefers to listen and that too to you.’

‘Maa, he had a few questions’.

‘Huh! And you were giving answers to all the questions in this world?’

‘Hehe..he did speak a bit but how could you hear him…next time I’ll on the speaker’.

‘What do you guys keep chatting all the time?’

‘Life, politics, business ideas….gossip, philosophy and yes, mothers too’.

‘Ah that! …and what about marriage?’

‘Yeah, we talk that too. He tells me about his follies and I tell him mine. We sort of console each other. Hehe’.

‘Look girl, intellectualizing and philosophizing is good but you need to be practical too’.

‘But dad had so many sessions devoted to all this at home. And don’t forget, you made loads of chicken for all his friends.’

‘Yeah…leave all that to the men; they have the license to waste time…….besides how long do you think the philosophizing would continue on an empty stomach?

Farewell to a Star...

*

with hope, you lit up our lives

with compassion, you touched our souls

every single day, in every passing moment

you taught us love and its inherent sacrifice

in the short time that you were here

*

we wonder why He called you there

it’s just too early, just not fair

may the Lord bless your soul

may you never cease to shine

on this crossover divine

*

P.S: Dedicated to Tina who is no more amongst us. Wish I could know you more, girl!

A day at the Pilikula zoo!

Deep in the heart of Mangalore in the southern state of Karnataka lies the Pilikula zoo - Pili for tiger and kula for lake, all because some tigers used to jam together at this cave after a fun-filled session at the nearby lake. Vin was brave enough to go inside this cave, have a tête-à-tête and above all click a snap of the resting tigers who were quite amazed at being photographed in their natural habitat where no mortal human dares to enter. Both mother and cub have obliged to pose for the shutterbugs. Aren't they cute? OK! They aren't real...but had I been there hundreds of years back, I would have shot them live, I swear :)

Last month I had received a mail from Tips4Me.com where a kind and rather knowledgable lady called 'Rachel Fernandes' sent me a mail describing the five largest birds in the world. I faintly remember reading about the Emu and never expected in my wildest dreams to ever be so close to one. Here's a picture I clicked from as close as comfortably possible and the information that Rachel shared with me...

It is one of the largest bird's native to Australia. These soft-feathered, brown, flightless birds reach up to 2 meters (6.6 ft) in height. They can travel great distances at a fast, economical trot and if necessary, can sprint at 50 km/h (31 mph) for some distance at a time.

If the Emu were small, it would not strike a chord, rather it has a stupid looking face and manner, but its sheer size and powerful legs made me wonder whether it has got anything to do with the law of natural selection by Darwin and I guess by all means it has evolved directly from the dinosaur. This one seems to be saying just that to me and adding 'I could smash you to pulp, woman!' But we both knew 'Thank heavens for this wired fence!'

P.S: I so wish I had a powerful camera with zoom et al. Now, I dont have any proof that I played hide-n-seek with Mr. & Mrs. Lion and I hugged this gigantic bear and I went roller skating with the sweet panthers and I was almost tickled to death by cute alligators.

Do visit this zoo if you happen to be in Mangalore since none of the wild animals are in cages or practically malnutritioned as is the usual state in most Indian zoos. And yes, dont forget to take a powerful longrange camera with you!

Pooh, older n wierder!

As birthday wishes came flying by, while the pooh was happily lazing away in her 100-acre forest, life did a somersault or two, but the pooh is not quite sure and wondering whether she’s moving in circles. Whether the so-called rat race is really a means to the end or to the beginning of transformation?

Why all of nature is just being and being amazingly happy at that? Why the oceans never meet the skies yet love each other and live in perfect harmony? Why the salty sea breezes that were so much fun in childhood, now become a threat to my skin and hair – my outward mask? Why the eagles fly so high when their prey is anyways miles down? Why some flowers are in love with the sun and simply refuse to open their petals on sundown? Why is every creature so happy in Mother Earth’s lap and what went wrong with us? Why the heck am I asking these questions when answers are again puny in the vast open secrets of Nature?

P.S: It is my Happy Birthday today and I am back from a wonderful vacation, hopefully to a more fulfilling existence. Innocence lost its charm and blogging has somehow taken its place to pen down weird streams of thoughts but there is hope. These weird streams of thoughts will not be so frequent anymore since the pooh has found something weirder elsewhere!

The Common Man’s Rap song!

yippie! It's election time again. As all our beloved parties have made up their campaign numbers, we, the common men and women too need a song, don't we? So, here goes the Common Man's rap song...

[Chorus]

yeah! coz
nothin’s gonna take it
away from me
nothin’s gonna change it
for your end is me
chuck it or fake it..yeah
yeah…chuck it or fake it
no bugger is gonna make it…

[Verse 1]

i’m off the track n i’m beginnin to lose it
i have high BP as all you do is TP
O shucks! damn your rottin n-e-t-a-giri
you come knockin on our doors
you beg for votes, spend a fortune on hopes
for your creepy little ****holes
O shucks! damn your rottin c-h-a-m-c-h-a-giri

[Chorus repeat]

[Verse 2]

i’m sick n nauseous n ever ready to throw up
O this carbon dioxide n other oxides make me suck up,
this road on the vehicles is driving me mad
as little vermins are scattered around quite bad
that lady I see, IS ain’t gonna m-a-k-e it
she walks the tight rope, Huh! BIG hope
woman n child, you use to cover your a**
O shucks! damn your rottin d-e-v-e-lopment plans

[Chorus repeat]

[Verse 3]

i’m walkin past trains, i’m walkin past planes
blasts don’t scare me, as i duck a bullet or two
my coffers are ever dry as you pocket all my taxes
O shucks! damn your healthy life n lapses
wanna blacken your face, point a finger at you
damn! my morals ain’t give me that space
O shucks! damn me… as I’m not a menace
this every common man’s r-e-a-l-i-t-y

[Chorus repeat]

P.S. : the rap style i imagined is Eminem n maybe he could team up with Jazzy B n i must thank Peter for the rap inspiration n hot news is that the pooh is gonna be away to her 100-acre woods n would return on the fourth day of the fourth month...i can see Karthik already jumping up n down! Ciao, folks!

Kasab and Karma!

In 1947, India faced an uncertain yet jubilant future sparked by the British retreat. The Congress and the Muslim league had major difference of opinion regarding the new independent nation. Jinnah of the Muslim league was of the ideology that a new nation needs to be established purely based on the Quran - the holy book of Islam and that true followers of Islam will not find justice in an independent India or Hindustan or Land of the Hindus. Gandhi, the apostle of non-violence, the father of the nation gave his nod. The British got to divide her although they no longer would rule!

Like every birth involves the umbilical separation, an emotionally evolving process, the birth of the new nation was too. It became to be called the ‘Partition’ and that new piece of land called Pakistan or the ‘Land of the Pure’.

In this Land of the Pure, some twenty years ago a boy named ‘Mohammad Ajmal Amir Kasab’ was born. They taught him Urdu and the Quran. They taught him the religious ways of what they believed to be pure and also the need to cleanse the impure as per the holy Quran. He believed that the Quran indeed sanctions killing innocents to restore the purity. He learnt dutifully as any staunch Muslim would do and should do.


He came to Mumbai along with nine other such ‘misled’ young boys on a cleansing mission. They did manage to cleanse the corruption that was quite rampant in Mumbai power circles but Allah knows if they cleansed any of the ‘impure’! Allah knows who’s mission it was that got fulfilled! They triggered quite a hysteric reaction among the common people who didn’t know where to go for help. Unfortunately, the other nine died in their cause, leaving Kasab to come to terms with his ‘learnings’ and the ‘fruits of his labor’. He does this in Arthur road jail in central Mumbai which is in the Land of the Hindus by the way.


Whiling away his time in prison, as Hindustan and Pakistan fight it out with a 11,000 page charge sheet against him, Karma, the cycle of cause and effect brings him face to face with Truth and Non-violence. He now reads the Urdu translation of the Mahatma’s autobiography ‘The Story of My Experiments with Truth’. Nearly, sixty years have passed with this influential book circling around the globe, but was there any possibility that this boy would read this book in the very land his ancestors had chosen to abandon?

The 25 wala bug!

OK! Here goes my 25, thanks to Sawan who will never fail to tag me.

1. I love blue (mind you, I’m referring to the color here, as in RGB= 0,0,255)

2. I love wolves and I love sheep too, it’s only when the wolves come in sheep skin, I turn into a werewolf!

3. Think twice when you say ‘Get Lost!’ to me, coz I usually get lost as a rule twice a month! I once got lost near my home while I was returning home after midnight! Nothing to worry about really…its called ‘directional disillusionment’.

4. I cry when I’m happy too, so you may see me crying most of the time!

5. I am a die-hard dreamer. Staring at nothingness is my favorite past time!

6. I am a gypsy at heart. I want to tent all over our beautiful planet.

7. I love the hills; I feel I am as old as the hills. I would like to have my dream home somewhere at the peak with only ‘blue’ skies to watch outside my window.

8. I love tea, especially the ginger or cardamom flavored. I dream of sipping such tea while dreaming as I look out of the window of my dream home!

9. I dream about baby fingers and toes – this could be a maternal instinct, I don’t know.

10. I love food. I could eat anything that is yum including baby-fingers!

11. I have grown up happily suffering from IBS – Imaginary Boyfriend Syndrome. I never imagine any body from the ‘real’ world. It has to be a ‘special’ soul and most definitely on the moon playing away his lute.

12. I am a terror of a daughter to my mom. I blame her for everything right from giving birth to me to loving me till suffocation to the misuse of nuclear power! Poor mom! May no mom ever have a daughter like me :)

13. I don’t believe in superstitions even though my mom drills so many into my peanut brains. I do everything opposite to annoy her and disprove the myth about them.

14. I cannot whistle.

15. I had 33 teeth.

16. In my entire childhood, I asked only one toy from dad – a bat and ball to play cricket with! A blue balloon was the usual one I got without asking.

17. I want to do something for physically challenged people.

18. I don’t know if I will freeze on a stage, coz my ‘teaching’ job at NIIT killed that ‘freeze nerve’ long back. And now that I am gonna be a celebrity, I better get used to crowds!

19. I am the best under pressure. So I hardly do much when there is no rhyme or reason.

20. Still I don’t know why I bashed up a little boy when I was in kindergarten???

21. I once tasted blood since this boy who was my partner in std III got badly bruised and told me to suck out all the blood flowing out otherwise he would die right away of sepsis!

22. Amongst all the men who deserted me, ‘Dad’ is still the one, my only Hero…I simply cannot be angry with him. Dad, I love you so and badly miss you too. (in case you read this!)

23. I believe in HIM since no other explanation can be had for the miracles he has wrought upon me.

24. I have been blessed with friends whose Friend-ship help me sail across smoothly in the sea of life!

25. ’25’ swapped across to become ‘52’ during kindergarten…I may have been mildly dyslexic.

26. I am tough competition to Ravan. He he ha ha ha ha... he he ha ha ha ha…

27. I nearly wish to be invisible sometimes – I get scared when people stare!

28. I live in extremes; either over-excited or over-sad :)

29. Oops! I have crossed the tag limit in my over-excitement!!

30. To round off at 30, last but not the least, Sawan is also my first blogger buddy, thanks Sawan saar, its been a beautiful journey thus far.

P.S: Phew!!!! (Vin shakes her head and wonders)– how do I filter out such tag requests/ demands ? 25 oh come on…my fans need more of me!
Please consider yourself tagged when you have read until here.

Tagged - A Photo Story!

He was frail now, as frail as the grass underneath the bench. He knew his fingers had started shaking again. He joined them tight across his folded knees and began to wonder, "How long?" He was tired and this evening that he sat on the park bench symbolised the evening of his life too. He longed for the night - the night of his life.

Every little wish of a child cannot be fulfilled for want of a slightly higher need and bread was indeed necessary than an admission to kindergarten. So, Anna being the eldest took to the family profession of tailoring. He did the measuring and the sizing with precision but one hardly ever saw a 'measuring tape or scale' in his shop. Years passed by, Anna grew up, the only tailor in town to sew the best for the best though he was un-lettered. His siblings were posted in government agencies by virtue of their literacy. So, Anna brought the family a notch above. Bread is good but not better than school.

But, little Anna had a wish - he wanted to go to school, he wanted to read, write and sing just like the children at the nearby school. The wish died as he had grown up. Learning the letters seemed unnecessary and he could fend for himself and his siblings. He improved with every suit and sometimes was even amazed with the precision perfect cutting! Still, he just couldn't feel the calm - the kind of calm that comes to a man who has found his calling in life. He felt like a light-house keeper, the old man who does his duty, watching endless horizons of black, blue or green and sometimes with the sun playing along, he would be treated to reds, golden yellows and vermillion. Days merged into nights and the horizon would disappear, but the light house never failed to guide the ships that roamed the nights.

Who takes care of the light-house keeper? Well, alcohol did for Anna. He took to drinking like a baby turtle to the sea. He drowned in its many flavors but was awake somehow at the sewing machine. Days merged into nights and slowly into years...Anna had made a name, Anna was the very symbol of sacrifice and hardwork. But, one day he coughed and coughed and spewed out blood - his liver gave way.

His nieces take care of him now; they teach him the alphabets but he cannot seem to have any control on his shaky fingers. He can read and sing but he still longs to write...

Moral: Nature has its own way and takes its own sweet time in fulfiling our desires. Be patient and trust in the forces. There is always an "and it happened" moment some time.

P.S: This is my feeble attempt at meaningful fiction. I am thankful to Kanagu for tagging me with this wonderful idea. I tag all my blogger buddies and request you to weave a story around any photo in your pics folder. Sorry Kanagu, I relaxed the rules a bit. By the way, this was the last photo in my favorite photos folder and it was the fifth!

The Age of Innocence

jasmines adorned her soot hued hair

some dad’s little princess, wasn’t she?

a sari the pride of a cherry draped

carefree in cheap gold embroidery

faux gems serve to fill the void

a void ciphering into another

some mum’s dream come true alas

cat calls welcome her as she dares

to roam amongst the fortunate us

she is the queen of the streets

her strides, magnificent and bold

enchanting, enamoring, enticing

despite the weather so cold

‘if he were here, o if only he were here,

i would seldom walk one step more’

her thirst for love, an unfulfilled desire

her clothes are often torn apart

many a man has left his stench

but not one dares to steal her heart

‘won’t mum teach me to sew?

wont she come to purify –

the scents of sins stacked within?’

her eyes moisten reminiscing

the ghosts of an era bygone

yet she seeks a path; a fresh, raw path –

unexplored, holding promises galore

wiping her tears, she seeks to return;

a return to the Age of Innocence

‘dad, mum, where are you?

the hide n seek is past due

i wish no more to breathe

this stench of other’s sins

i want to smell the warmth

of the purest form of love

so, take me in your arms

as I end this wretched bond’,

so saying she ends her beat

**********

Wanted: A Knight in matte cotton shirt!

Well, I’m no more a teenager with stars in my eyes and I’m ages away from being referred to as an adult female homo sapien. Now imagine me singing that Britney number – I’m not a girl…not yet a woman, but please, without her curves for Christ’s sake, mine are better! I am single now by choice but in love with my teddy who reciprocates unconditionally. So, one may safely presume that I’m stuck somewhere in a time warp! I also suck at every day relationships right from the traffic policeman, the building dog and her newborn litter, the crows nesting outside my kitchen window right up till the society watchman and the Sai baba temple pujari besides. Nobody seems to acknowledge my presence. I am the living dead or the dead living! And, my mum thinks only a man can save me now by way of marriage to me, Poor man!

So, is marriage the ‘be all and end all’ to a girl’s identity? Well, maybe! Every goddamn form wants to know your father and/or husband’s name. But, I’m in no hurry, I like it when the dogs stay away from me and I don’t find crows any cuter; what to say about the other ‘assorted’ folks, I come across every day if relatives are not enough punishment already! This is what I gather from their eyes, nose, ears et al except their tongue - Oh, She is waiting for Mr. Right! She is expecting Pierce now, and I mean like ‘N-O-W’! She thinks she is the diva queen- all this with giggles and muffled jokes doubting my sexual preferences. So, I take this opportunity to all and sundry – I am straight, very much straight, and as straight as a line joining two imaginary points anywhere and as straight as a light ray. I am not waiting for Mr. Right; he is as common a sight as an UFO (unidentified flying object). Well, I am no diva queen or any other queen either; I am just a girl at heart with dreams of an enchanting home somewhere bubbling with my kids and my partner for life.

So, all I want is one common man – any man with loads of common sense and can see through the obvious. Most definitely loaded with fresh jokes on him at all times. He should preferably be dressed up in matte cotton shirts only, I don’t fancy ‘shining armour’ anymore; you see I’m not into fairy tales and ‘happily ever after….’ fantasies. Apart from the usual attributes of TDH (tall-dark-handsome), absolutely great sense of responsibility, great conversationalist, great listener, great lover, best friend, the better cook, the hygienically-inclined, the ability to withstand female nagging, the supreme strength to change diapers every hour and that too cheerfully, genuine love for my folks – especially my mum, etc. etc., I want only an extra bit thrown for good measure to be referred to as my Mr. Right and that would be - ‘He should simply love me for no rhyme or reason’. I abhor terms and conditions in love and will go to any length to break all of them intentionally. Now, is this asking for too much?

Maybe, yes! Apart from the cotton shirt, how can one man alone be gifted so? So, nowadays I have started thinking on these lines – my preferences and the ultimate choice or the world’s preferences and a so called compromise! And I have come to this - I’m pretty soon going to forget the very essence of marriage if all these attributes are not present in a single man. Isn’t it exciting to be single and mingle with all the separate aforementioned men? Or, I will just place a finger on any of the profiles placed in front of me and make my mum and the other ‘interested parties’ happy?

Untitled

strutting around, my placid plume,

the breeze sways along with me

a sashay escapes, timidity I presume

though ‘m brighter than thou today

can thee not fathom the depths

that lay within my core?

does it not give thee joy

that I am near my source?

thy heart, thy soul, the wise one’s told

was built brick by brick,

over setting suns and moons

yonder the mirage in the sand dunes.

then, does it not bleed if I am pricked,

or is it the cactus, now dearer to thou?

the warmth is no more,

it’s all a name game

who said thus, which is naught,

what is sin, which is not,

why the fuss and cry throughout?

why gift pain in lieu of love?

the heart is love , nay, nothing else

breathe and let go is nature’s plea

thou ruled by vanity, thy pride crushed

come, topple my inner castle

built with the grace of Almighty

come, trounce upon my plumes

if it doth make thee happy?

******

The God of big and small Terrorists!

Kasab killed Karkare, Salaskar and Kamte: Mumbai police
No bullet hit Kasab, no active treatment on, says hospital’s dean
Kasab squeals, nails Lashkar role in attack
Ex-soldier trained terrorists, says Kasab
Kasab says his father sent him to LeT
Kasab not Pak national, says Pak minister
Pakistan officially admits Kasab its national !!
Pak's another lie nailed, Kasab well and alive
Pak registers case against Kasab under Terror Act !!
Kasab's DNA matches imprints on hijacked trawler
Underworld may be out to kill Kasab
India waiting for Pak's response, cautious about Kasab reports

………………and the list of Kasab headlines keeps getting bigger and bigger and I wont be surprised anymore if this will grow along with Kasab and die off along with him either entering old age or death in some obscure high security prison either in India or Pakistan!

Ever since the gruesome 26/11 Mumbai terror attacks, I see, read and hear the name ‘Kasab’ just about everywhere – in newspapers, in news channels, in gossip. And every time I see, read or hear ‘Kasab’, I try to join the little bits and pieces of the Mumbai massacre like a giant jigsaw puzzle but alas, I don’t seem to progress anywhere at all. Every two days there is a contradiction and then we even had Pakistan claiming that Kasab is dead! What a f*****g joke!

We, the highly intelligent Indians are proud of our national heritage and history but forever in need of other countries to solve our domestic issues. A bunch of kids wade through the waters and create havoc along their trail killing nearly 200 people and injuring many more. One of them is caught alive after a much dramatized capture by the National Security Guards and the world isn’t spared afterwards too… the national media along with their equally incapable counterparts from the international scene break in for a piece of the pie.

Anybody and everybody wants to showcase to the world that they have better ‘analysis’ of the entire psychology behind this ghastly attacks. Pakistan is confused about what to say and what to hide – what with their own home-grown backyard terrorists pointing a gun at them and making them repeat like parrots. One day Kasab is a non-state actor, the other day he is dead and next day he is not the one whom India claims was present at the scene of crime. BS!!

And all this while Kasab has been singing like a canary after being televised live with his weapons and plan of attack/strategy, either to mislead or out of utter resignation from his alma mater and godfathers residing there. He is only 21, he might as well start writing his autobiography right away of his so-called adoption and the subsequent abandonment by the non-existing father and godfathers. Or he could request the humanitarians to get him transferred to Tihar jail where he could further his creative pursuits, do an MBA or Phd in humanity or transform into an ‘enlightened’ being - ‘Swami Kasabananda’, what with meditation being a daily norm there!

I’m sure that Ramu or some bollywood director is scripting Kasab’s story as I type this and will only get it out after 10 years or so for fear of being judged as unpatriotic or ‘money-digger’. I’m also sure that the only human being on earth – Arundhati Roy is writing her next ‘booker prize’ story on Kasab!

And I’m dead sure that there is indeed a ‘God of big and small Terrorists’ somewhere in Indian-occupied / Pakistan occupied piece of land / water, who protects the fallacies of ‘self-appointed-ethnic-cleansing’ organizations and their innocent lackeys operating in non-states and other not surprisingly ‘inaccessible crevices’ in our globe or outer space!

And we Indians keep saying ‘Give peace a chance!’ while fighting amongst ourselves all the while.

….….another f*****g joke, I say!

A terrifying alarm!

I’m not reading or following any news of the terror attacks and the jokes ensuing from Pakistan sometimes about non-state actors and sometimes about Kasab being dead! I hardly discussed these issues recently…most Mumbaiites have given up on this issue altogether and it has become a non-issue now what with our dear Prime Minister’s heart becoming the centre of national attraction.

But a few terrorists woke me up early morning rather scared the daylights out of me. I don’t recollect the entire sequence but after much hiding and strategizing an escape, I finally gave up when one of them entered our room and pointed his gun at me. He looked so vulnerable and his hands were trembling. I don’t recollect who else was in my room but most of them had escaped save for me and a few others who got trapped. Maybe, I was in some heritage hotel or some university convocation hall since the setting was a grand one.

That moment was pure terror and all I wanted was to be anywhere but there! My heart prayed to his – just shoot right away but when I looked into his eyes, I felt pity. He was just following an order – an order to simply terrorize without rhyme or reason. His heart wouldn’t accept that, that poor thing! And unfortunately, I woke up…didn’t get to experience what decision he took.

Just the dream was so terrifying; I can now also imagine what must have transpired in those last moments for the captured hostages. I wonder what is terrorism and who is truly the ‘terrorist’ – the guy carrying the weapon or the guy defending himself – both of them seemed helpless!

Jaam…aur ek nasheeli shaam, Kishore da ke naam!

OK! This post isn’t about alcohol or the ama-ZING effects later on. This is me sharing my new found secret to an alternative to alcohol as I’m health and wealth conscious now:) It’s also got something to do with an advice from an old friend, philosopher and guide -‘Friedrich Nietzsche’, who told me that ‘For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication.’!!!

So, this post is about me and my state of mind nowadays – trying to get kinda intoxicated with emotions – deep seated love, sorrow, happiness, gratitude, anger, joy, hatred and mischief- just about everything is surfacing! In the absence of alcohol, every image of it looks so divine! And, what does a once-upon-a-time-moderate-drinker-now-abstaining supposed to do to get ‘intoxicated’?

Now, alcohol is pure nirvana, isn’t it? So, can there really be an alternative – an equal one?

Most regulars wouldn’t care about an alternative anyways. An alternative to the instant cure for escaping reality; an alternative to the free ticket to freedom; an alternative to the same highs; an alternative to …OK, you get the point. Now, my point…

Post strenuous and hardcore brainstorming, I got innovative and a light bulb did shine above my head – ting! I created a bar like effect around me to fool the brain though. You know the slow, soft music, happy- very happy-very,very happy people floating around, cloud number 9 just beside you, angels at your beck and call types, etc.etc. Given that I grew up on an ‘Imaginary boyfriend’ on the moon, this was nothing but cakewalk or so I thought. Imagining is my full time occupation but imagining something specific is like trying to walk in a straight line in high spirits. But, for art to exist, I have to get intoxicated!

Something was missing …just couldn’t point a finger though. Anyways, what I did was what I always do and that is to listen to the one and only juggler of melody in emotions, the greatest that ever was – Kishore Kumar – the other ‘Ganguly’! This man along with Burman have created eternal magic and I’m sure when my grand-grand kids read this, they too will not disagree. Just about every emotion that had surfaced mixed and dissolved into pure intoxication! A little necessary ambience would be silence, a dimly lit room – main aur meri tanhayi types or just very close friends – no alcohol…plain old water works wonders…it’s the tunes that lift your spirits, trust me!

One can’t imagine the kind of highs reached on listening to Kishore. It has to be experienced. I did and realized that it is beneficial – both in body and in spirit! Do try it for the sake of art…It will do wonders to your life. Cheers!

U.P.S (Useful post script): If you are a married man and your wife nags you to quit or nags habitually, you must listen to this Kishore da’s sure shot remedy:

‘Yeh jeevan hain…is jeevan ka…

yahi hain..yahi hain..yahi hain ..rang roop

thode gham hain…thode kushiyan..

thode gham hain…thode kushiyan…

yahi hain..yahi hain…yahi hain..chaav dhoop’

What every woman must know…

OK! I’m no expert nor am I doing any research on what women must know, have or do to be happy. This is just my collective experience as a human and especially as a woman to be happy in these stressful and fast times. And of course, it is not only for women readers, men too can take a cue to understand women better and hopefully keep their wives, mothers, sisters and above all girlfriends happy! Firstly, we are also Homo sapiens just like men and not any lesser in any way other than a few curves here and there and the obvious absence of excessive body hair. We cry when we are happy too - we are wired that way. We give birth to men and nourish them with our blood and that too joyfully. Just for that, we need respect and a sense of awareness of who we really are. Sadly, men don’t want to accept our strength and so deem that we are from ‘Venus’!

Here are a few things I can recollect and I’m sure you guys have more.

1) A Smile – Every woman needs to keep a smile in her heart always which will reflect on her face. The smile makes us feel good about ourselves and enhances our appeal. It is not easy to keep smiling in our hearts if our hearts are injured so the next tips are about how to have a ‘happy’ heart!

2) Forgiveness – Again, this is the first thing we need to know - our hearts should be filled with only love and not hatred. A ‘love-filled’ heart is a ‘happy’ heart! Forgive men for they know not what they do – should be our motto!

3) A girlfriend – A close friend from ‘Venus’ is the sure shot way to a healthy heart. She should be ready to meet you even in her pajamas and oil champi, if need be. Both of you can serve each other better than empty walls and beds.

4) A friend from ‘Mars’! – A close male friend with whom we are not romantically involved is a wonderful experience. We not only understand ourselves better but also our ‘male’ partners better too. No more ending up with fights related to conversations about our dream vacation while our partners would be dreaming about watching the FIFA cup live! That’s just how they are wired –So we refer to them as ‘Martians’!

5) Shopping – Whoever coined the term ‘Retail therapy’ must be The Goddess herself! Shopping helps us heal anytime and especially after a break-up. Anyways, most of us lose so much weight in grieving that we need a whole new wardrobe!

6) A cute teddy bear – This one I need not explain, one must experience a close friend in a teddy – he never abandons you, loves you just the way you are – un-waxed, un-threaded, a little moustache, a little stubble whatever – you are always his princess!

7) A bar of chocolate – Need any explanation here? Its not ‘diamonds’ but ‘chocolates’ that are a woman’s best friend. Every woman should carry a bar of chocolate on her at all times and especially during that time of the month.

8) Surprise gifts – Every woman should gift sweet surprises just like that - like a warm hug, a charm, a trinket, a junk ear ring, a musical box, a little singing birdie, a gift coupon, a fresh perfume, the latest lip gloss, whatever…it may not be expensive but it should be thoughtful. What goes around comes around, so ladies, be ready to receive all this in much more abundance!

9) A good book – Every woman needs to curl up with a good book. Knowledge is the only way towards empowerment and happiness. Do collect and keep a small shelf beside your dressing table and make sure that you share them with your women friends. Have at least one book of poems or quotes and one book by a woman author – they write really well!

10) A healthy bank balance – This is an area we are scared to tread but trust me we need to be financially independent no matter who we are – who’s daughter, who’s wife, who’s sister – everything is about our sense of achievement by what we earn. It really brings in a whole sense of being and gives us our freedom of self-expression like nothing else does.

11) An interesting wardrobe- Have a nice set of clothes, jewelry, cosmetics, shoes and bags all bought with the help of that close girlfriend. Accept her opinion if something you love looks horrible on you in her eyes.

12) A ‘No’ – The power to say a ‘no’ when you mean a ‘no’ is the first sign of empowerment. Do not do anything if you are not comfortable with it. Learn to say a ‘no’ even if it hurts somebody’s sentiments. We cannot please everybody. We are not super-beings.

13) Forget numbers – Yes, every woman should forget stupid numbers like her age, weight, hairfall rate, etc. These have nothing to do with a ‘happy’ heart rather if she worries with these numbers, she will only end up with high blood pressure! I gave up on my weight gain program:)

14) A little exercise regime – Every women needs to spend some time on her muscles, bones, blood circulation, etc. Even walking for half an hour adds oodles of happiness to your heart. So, ladies, go take a walk!

15) Eat whenever your hungry – This is the best thing towards a happy tummy and thus a happy heart. Trust me, our body needs food only when we are hungry or rather we feel hungry since our body needs food. Everything else like diet etc. is all humbug – bakwas…so go on attack and eat whatever!

I.P.S. (Interesting post script) : I could go on and on but these are and will be the most important ones I have experienced. Sorry about the long post but I almost feel like it’s ‘Woman’s Day’ today!! Don’t forget to share your ‘happy’ heart tips too!
Have a ‘Happy’ heart guys!