Nov 30, 2008

Essentially Mumbai death statistics!

The recent spate of events in Mumbai have sparked a rather disturbing but funny trend analysis in me. Given that it all started since 1993 blasts, I sure have collected pages and pages of data on the said analysis on a Comman Mumbaiite. So, let me introduce a Common Mumbaiite, one may imagine R. K. Laxman's Common Man. Yeah, a picture is worth a thousand words but I'm no cartoonist. Please bear with the words till I hone my cartooning skills!

Common Mumbaiite - The common man/woman one sees walking in the streets, who never indulges in any kinda warfare; who believes in Ram, Christ and Allah, who visits Siddhivinayak temple at Dadar every Tuesday, St. Michaels church at Mahim every Wednesday and the Haji Ali Dargah on Friday; who breathes the heavily-polluted air all the while jammed in heavy traffic; who pays his taxes before time and also 'haftha' to the local hooligans, petty civic workers and/or police; who finds 'bomb blasts' utterly passe; who worships 'Sachin Tendulkar' as a Hero; who dreams of becoming the next 'Dhirubhai Ambani'; who mentally and physically prepares to face the fierce monsoon lashes; who casually saves another life, putting his own in danger or losing it altogether while the authorities look on....;who dies of body but not of spirit.

Here are the statistics on the causes and the likelihood of death for a Common Mumbaiite:

What is the probability that a Common Mumbaiite dies from the pollution he lives in, given that he inhales as much CO as he does O2?
Ans. 0

...... dies from toiling his a** out in order to combat the ever increasing cost of living, vegetables and real estate prices?
Ans. 0.1

...... dies from heart disease given the high levels of stress, fast life and fast food?
Ans. 0.2

.....dies from brain disease given that he 'has to' use most of it in his survival strategy from the authorities and the so-called law and order system?
Ans. 0.3

.....dies from the 'malaria' caused by special Mumbai-bred mosquitoes given that these mosquitoes have mutated over the years just like him?
Ans. 0.4

.... dies from crossing the railway track since the 'authorities' forgot to build the 'foot over-bridge'?
Ans. 0.5

....dies while crossing the road given that he has to break pedestrian rules as he is already late for work due to the f***ing traffic?
Ans. 0.6

....dies when a local corporator and/or police barks at or bites him given that he deals with them almost right from his food, water, clothing and shelter to a kindergarten admission for his kids?
Ans. 0.7

....dies when he is considered a threat to the ruling party and inadvertently comes in the line of fire given that the 'Z' category security of our beloved ministers, VIPs shoot almost anything that comes in visible range?
Ans. 0.8

...dies from a bullet given that he is always ducking them in trains, buses, temples and crowded places and is now a trained expert in the same?
Ans. 0.9

.....dies from a bomb blast given that a blast has occured just inches away from him decorating him with shrapnel and blood, his own and some others, most of his life?
Ans. 1

P.S.: This trend holds true only for Mumbaiites. In cases of death other than Mumbaiites, the trend would be reversed! And, yes, no more beauty tips from the kitchen, I'd rather give a beauty tip from my soul.

C for Courage: No beauty is complete if there is fear within. Courage is the only answer to the Devil. Stand fearless, the world salutes thy soul!


Karthik said...

Well written... For t statisrics 3rd Nobel prize n MAthematics!!! Chennai sunk n rain fr 3days... No power!! Logged in nw 2 chk ur blog!! Searching fr Mumbai attcks n net!!

Karthik said...

Probability of Raj Thackeray and His Mumbai Saviors actions to save Mumbai after the attack???

Hope u knw t answer...

sawan said...

i was disturbed when i saw the post labeled in humor! and then i could sense the reason. m still disturbed cos of the attacks.. maybe ill take time to come out of it.. :-(

Senorita said...

@ Vin...C for Courage...point will take me some time to develop it to the level you expect it to be...

Scattered Thoughts... said...

vin - couldn't agree more.. and if we speak about the statistics of VVIPs of India (not only mumbai) all these figures will be a big zero..

sawan - I second you.. this is a bitter and crude humor all the way. unfortunate but truth..

sen - yeah. C for courage! let us keep the hopes, strength and courage on top most level for our inner self.

Vin said...

Karthik, Thank u saar...the years of rain clouds that hardly visited chennai, are now staying in Chennai itself!! Good for Chennai:)

i dont deserve any nobel prize, there r scores of noble ppl who sacrificed for others in these attacks...Raj will be buried alive now, we dont need his navnirman sena..pls help keep this alive

hope power is restored soon, staying away from one's blog is very painful:)

Vin said...

Sawan saar, again i reiterate, 'Dont get overcome with ur emotions; We cant afford to be 'terrorised'; we have to get up and fight back'
first with the inert politicians in our system..flush out these NPA's, then build the required disaster management system

to think that the IB had warned the Maharastra govt of an impending attack thru sea...but the ^%%$$&^%#$^& think this is all a joke...
Dep CM RR Patil says 'Bade bade shehron mein aisi choti bhatein hothi hain..'-he needs to do a REALITY CHECK- he is still watching re-runs of DDLJ at Maratha Mandir. What the fuck???
CM, Vilasrao Deshmukh refuses to resign. look at his nerve!

We need a just governance that also works and if that isnt possible, lets have the military rule us.

Vin said...

Senorita, yeah.. C for courage is what every Indian needs to believe it..take ur time but do come to ur highest level...Fearless is the last level!!

Vin said...

ST, u bet!! the more the V's the lesser the probability or zero:)
yeah, C for Courage, buddy:)

Fr Jerry said...

It's not the humour that I note here but that you have brought out the people who matter; the ordinary Mumbai-ites who toil night and day just to make sure they survive.

I would appreciate it if all of us react to all the attacks going around in our country, to all people. Just as we are devastated by the Mumbai attacks, we should be so with all the acts of violence which have happened in India just this one year (atleast).

The second point is that we all come out very strongly against the system after something happens and then we forget about it. Fighting corruption and government apathy is a life long process. It cannot be a media sponsored one week affair!

Scattered Thoughts... said...

vin - well Vilasrao deshmukh refuses to resign but the point is what will happen after he resigns.. there will be another crook or there will be intermediate elections.. none of them is good for the common man.. no ?

Vin said...

Fr Jerry: I agree with u completely. Since, we fail to react strongly when it doesnt concern us directly, it happens to us one fine day. High time, we Indians get united, fight against the terror and voilence as ONE Nation...
Fr, please suggest ways of keeping this alive and not die off as past events have.

Vin said...

ST: agreed, but its confirmed now time and again that he is a waste, lets hope we get a better one- and if he isnt better- he will be if WE keep the pressure going...
Its upto US.

Karthik said...

I'm really upset wit ur Deputy CM speeches "SUCH SMALL THINGS HAPPEN"... Nxt time he visits ur colony for vote-canvasing.. throw slippers at him and say the same words!!!

Karthik said...

I 2nd ST.. Don need 2 resign.. All will do the same... Better he can act in RGV's next film.. MUMBAI KA AAG!!

Fr Jerry said...

I will start off with my own experience. Since I am in a position of leadership, I obviously get chances to make a difference. But what I have noticed is that we are not expected to lead to any change. All religions are only interested in conformity and not challenging anything.

We are essentially all scratching each others backs. Therefore we don't question anything or anyone because we in turn do not like being questioned.

I already mentioned that this is a life long process. Are we prepared to discuss what we can do for our country, when we get together with whoever? Are we prepared to act on what we think?

We are a nation where everyone is used to corruption. So much that without extra money nothing gets done. Why is it that we do not group together and question this? It is because we are fighting as individuals. The government knows that as long as we are alone, we won't be a threat. But if we get together, we will be a force to reckon with. Now how we get to do this is another question because we need to trust and work together.

As you can see, we have lots to discuss on the topic. In Christianity we have a concept that 'one cannot serve God and money at the same time.' I am sure this concept exists in other religions as well. The struggle will be to put the country ahead of money and individual concerns.

Everything is not lost. The youth of this country have a major role to play and this will decide what our nation becomes eventually.

Vin said...

Karthik, yes, will do that if need be! but, i'm off Patil or Vilasrao...I can only pity them, what a miserable life it should be for them..i hope hell is kind to them..
ur papers were postponed have u finished studying??

Vin said...

Fr, your earlier comment had prompted me to take some action. me as a citizen felt I could take my concern to the fourth estate at least..start a movement and keep it burning..i have shot a letter to the TOI, feeling little better now:) hey, i'll post it here too!

yes, u r right when u say that we have to live beyond our individual concerns, well that is difficult as it is selfless thing to do, but we have to start otherwise we wont have any 'self' left !!
me represents the youth, we r so full of ideas and a burning passion to bring our ideas into reality...will it help if the oldies in the bureaucracy leave for their graves and let the youngsters take over?? isnt years of experience required??

Vin said...

@all: Please accept my sincere apologies for putting it as 'R K Narayanan'. the Creator of the 'Common man' is 'R K Laxman'!!
i have edited it now:)
Sorry, Mr Laxman:)

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